Ending the Hunt for Flynn Rider (a.k.a. Mr. Right, the One, etc.)

Up until 2010, my favorite Disney princess was Ariel. From the first time I saw “The Little Mermaid” at age 8, all I wanted was to be a mermaid. Then I found myself in November 2010 at the movie theater at Green Hills Mall in Nashville with Mr. G, my new romance at the time, with whom I was already madly in love for almost the entire year. I hadn’t even heard of the movie we were about to see, but it had been his idea, and I could never say no to him. So “Tangled” began, and little did I know Rapunzel's first song would immediately tug at my heartstrings, and I would identify so much with her, even more so than I did with Ariel. These were the very lines: “Stuck in the same place I’ve always been. And I keep wondering, wondering, wondering and wondering WHEN WILL MY LIFE BEGIN?” There I was at age 27, barely minutes into this children’s movie, and I was fighting back my tears and hoping Mr. G hadn’t noticed.

You see, back then, I looked at my life, and it seemed pretty good. I never had to worry about financial difficulties or physical hardship. I’m in good health, I rarely fall sick, and I could eat a whole lot of junk for days and not worry about my weight. I’m musically talented, I write well, I’m got good grades without really putting in much effort, I’m intelligent enough to carry out a conversation of substance with. And I’ve done a few crazy things most of my ex-schoolmates would never dream of - like attempt an acting career in Singapore during a time when the arts scene didn’t quite exist, like packing my bags and flying alone to Nashville without knowing anyone there, like getting the whole study abroad experience.. Really, my life was pretty good and I had no reason to feel otherwise. But if I were to be really honest, deep down inside, for many many years there had always this nagging feeling I’d ignore, a feeling finally brought to my awareness with a simple question Rapunzel sang on my behalf:

WHEN WILL MY LIFE BEGIN?

3 days ago I read for the first time Shel Silverstein’s book “The Missing Piece Meets the Big O”, which begins: “The missing piece sat alone… waiting for someone to come along and take it somewhere.” And as I flipped the pages, I just kept seeing my own life spelled out and illustrated before my very eyes. And that’s when it hit me that in my world, my life only begins when Flynn Rider breaks into my tower and whisks me away. And by living this way, I’ve remained a lonely missing piece waiting and yearning for something or someone to make me whole. Notice that in the movie, Rapunzel was the one who hoisted herself out of the window and down to the grass below, which meant she could have always left whenever she wanted. What she really lacked was the courage to take that first step (because her “mother” had been filling her head with stories of how the world out there was bad, crazy and scary.. but that’s another blog post for another time). Hence Flynn became her way out, her ticket into the great big scary world. Her ticket into adventure.



Flynn Rider was the boy I “clicked with” when we met at a bus stop in Ang Mo Kio 13 years ago. We spent an entire night at Sentosa wandering the beach, singing our favourite songs, and sharing about our lives, falling for each other within days of our first meeting. (Ironically he’s probably the one most like Flynn because he borrowed a lot of money from me and some of his friends and never returned it). Flynn Rider was also the boy in 2009 who led me to the dance floor at a swing dance party during the last night of a Catholic students’ conference in Orlando, Florida, who continued to dance with me despite my clumsy attempts to keep up, the numerous times I trampled on his green shoes, and my nervous laughter because his face was so close to mine and he was damn cute. We sat at opposite ends on a sofa in the hotel lobby and chatted about anything and everything until the sun came up and we left Orlando and he went to Sao Paolo for a semester. He’s the one I met up with in New York and we spent a night wandering the city and the next evening with his crazy uncle who forgot he was supposed to leave for Ecuador and it was a mad rush to get the family packed and to their flight on time. Shortly before we saw “Tangled”, our whirlwind romance began, and he was adventurous and constantly wanted to explore new places, try new things… but he never brought me along. He started his own business at Coney Island, moved to Ecuador for a few months, even went to Fu Zhou to learn Mandarin, and I was never really a part of his adventures. But Flynn Rider showed up again a few months ago as the guy who came to see my first singer-songwriter showcase at an arts cafe in Singapore, who tried to catch the cockroaches we found in my car later that evening, who took a very-petrified me on his motorbike to get cockroach bait from a supermarket nearby at 3 am that same night, who lay beside me on random patch of grass and shared my love for emo songs until the sky lit up. The one who helped me figure out how to ride a bicycle at 1am on the quiet street outside his home. The one who’s lived in various places all over the world, who’s started a few businesses, the freelancer proficient in music, photography, dance - whose every day was different than the one before. These were the prominent Flynn Riders of my life, the ones I fell hard for and couldn’t forget for a while. The others before and in between consisted of some losers, some jerks and some decent guys who got their heart broken in the end… But one thing is for sure - they were all Flynn Riders at the beginning, until they all turned into Eugene Fitzgeralds (some faster than others), and it was time to let them go.

It became clear - I never saw Eugene for Eugene. I only saw Flynn Rider and the perks that came with that. Being whisked away on exciting adventures, having interesting memories to add to the bank of my rather mundane existence, getting close to something dangerous and feeling more alive as a result. Getting to ride on the back of a motorcycle because I don't dare to ride one myself (I can’t even get past my own fear of riding a bicycle!). Getting to be driven around in a fast flashy loud car because I don't know if I dared to race one myself. Getting to visit far away places and explore off-the-beaten paths with someone fearless because I was afraid I’d get lost, or mugged, or killed if I was alone. Because it’s easier and safer to get through a crazy scary world with someone who knows the way, than to figure it all out on my own.

Flynn Rider doesn’t exist. He’s not real (eh.. besides the fact that he’s a fictional character). He’s simply a made up identity to portray a certain image and reputation for Eugene to survive in his world, not very much different from the various personas we put on to get through our day. So waiting for Flynn to whisk me out of my tower, waiting for him to come along and take me somewhere - is all part of a self-created delusion, a fallacy I started to believe a long time ago that my life can only begin when Flynn appears. But history has shown that even when he does, he eventually and inevitably turns into Eugene anyway. And then what? For most of them I simply walk away and let it go. For the three big Flynns of my life, I've put them on a pedestal, waiting for them to become Flynn again, waiting for them to whisk me away, waiting for my life to begin again, waiting and waiting until it finally becomes painfully clear to me that in their eyes I’ve turned into a Eugene, and eventually, I see that they are nothing more than Eugenes too.

We can’t help who we’re attracted to, and my history has proven time and again that I will continue to hunt for Flynn Riders for a pretty long time.. unless something changes in a profound way. It goes to show that the heart of the matter lies not with the Flynn Riders or Eugene Fitzgeralds or Aladdins or Prince Erics or [insert other Disney characters or whatever name pleases you] of the world, but the real issue can only be resolved within ourselves. We get attracted to whatever it is we feel or think we need in order to feel whole and complete and that we’re someone worth loving. So what then needs to change such that I’d no longer need Flynn Riders to qualify my existence? What do I really need to let go of? Who do I need to become such that I wouldn’t need another person to fill the Flynn-shaped hole inside? If there’s one thing I’m finally understanding about self love, it’s about becoming the very thing you feel that you’re missing in your life, like the missing piece lifting and pulling itself and plopping and repeating that over and over again until it shaped itself into something whole and complete on its own.

So WHEN WILL MY LIFE BEGIN?

It begins when I end the hunt for Flynn Rider, and start becoming the equivalent of that for myself. Name pending and suggestions are welcomed.

PenguinGirl learns about self love and loves herself.

"I'm NOT a Photographer": 7 Things I Learned from My First Photo Walk with 70 Other Photographers:

I'm not a photographer. At least that's what I tell myself, and what I started telling some of the first few people I met on my very first photowalk yesterday. I'm an artist, yes. I'm creative, yes. I've been an actress, a set dresser, a singer, a songwriter, a musician, a poet, a writer. But I'm no photographer.


In the process of my self-discovery project that will culminate in my second solo art show in October, I started to hear myself whenever I turn something down and label it as "Not Me". I began to question, how do I know what's "not me" until I really test it out to prove that it's "not me"? And what's with all these labels anyway? I get that we use these labels, such as our occupation, our hobbies and interests, our position in our family, descriptive words as qualifiers of our identity... but how many of these labels do we need to accumulate until we find who we are? And in the larger scheme of things, do any of these labels even really matter?

So I set out to challenge one of my labels, to step outside of my comfort zone of sketchwalks and drawing events and explore another realm of art I once refused to be a part of, simply because "I'm not a photographer."

1. The only person who's really judging you.. is yourself. 

I learned this very early on in the session. You see, out of the group of 70-80 photographers who showed up, the only person who DIDN'T have a large black Canon, Nikon or Pentel was.. ME. Every single person had their professional DSLRs, and a couple of SLRs slung around their necks or hanging off their shoulder, and backpacks with tripods stuffed into them. Me? All I had was a little Canon S110, a hand-me-down from my Mom which fits nicely in the palm of my hand, and my Samsung Galaxy S4, which I had only started using 2 days earlier. I felt SO extremely out of place, like how I felt when I first walked out of the airplane into the Nashville International Airport 6 years ago. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, and that everyone was looking at me and thinking: "What is this girl doing here? How come she's here when she's clearly not a photographer? Does she even know how to take pictures?"

 First group photo of the day.

I suppose it didn't help when the first person I tried to talk to (by asking if this was the photowalk group) took one look at my little silver digicam, and he was rather unfriendly, and didn't seem to want to talk to me anymore after telling me I was at the right place. After that I was really worried that no one else would want to hang around me, and maybe I should just leave. It got a little better when I met the organizer, Wilson, and I started talking to another guy, but I still couldn't shake off the self-consciousness that plagued my thoughts and I felt so embarrassed when I took photos with the little Canon. I started to tell people, "I'm not a photographer." or "I feel like a black sheep in this group with my digicam", etc. and then after the 3rd or 4th person I said that to, it suddenly occurred to me that none of them cared about that (except maybe the first guy, who I'm still hating on.. grr...).

Really, the only person who was judging me for standing out like a sore thumb or a black sheep, for not belonging to this group or this event... that person was ME. The truth was, no one else cared if I'm there or not. Everyone is so caught up in their passion for photography, in capturing their own shots that it didn't matter what I was using to take my photos. I guess if I was sketching I would probably get more attention, but the reality was, no one cares if I'm there, let alone if I belong there or not.

Funny thing is, I realize how EVERY TIME I try to join a new group or an event of strangers, I judge myself like this each and every time. Believing that no one wanted me there because I didn't belong. OMG what a delusion!

My first Instagram shot of the photo walk. I absolutely love this photo. 

Coming soon as a painting!

2) People are a lot friendlier than they seem at first, and most times, they are just as scared to talk to you as you are of them.

I'm terrified of initiating contact with a stranger, because you never know how they will respond to you. And after my attempt to talk to the first guy and he shut me down, I was even more shaken. But I managed to gather my wits, and tried again, and I realized that actually people are friendlier than they look. And the only way to find out is to take a chance and talk to them.



3) The fastest way to get people to open up is to ask them about their interests.

In a photography group, it’s pretty obvious. So I'd ask them, “How did you get started into photography?" or "Are you a professional photographer?" And before you know it, they’ll tell you the most interesting stories you never expected, and it gives you a window into their lives. One guy got into photography because everywhere he went with his girlfriend, she would want to have her picture taken with literally everything around her.


4) You can learn a lot from opening up to people and listening to their stories.

A professional photographer taught me how to use the reflective surface of the table to capture an interesting shot.

From a Polish photographer, I learned that in his experience, Singapore is one of the best places to photograph birds because they aren't afraid of people, like literally you can walk down the street and in the tree along the roadside he has found birds' nests with baby birds in them. AND if you're looking to photograph night wildlife, Vermont Cemetery is a great place for seeing owls and civet cats.


 
5) Be prepared to be a subject in others’ photography.

It’s a photo walk, and you’re a person, and if there are photographers who like to shoot people in a natural state, don’t be surprised if you see someone’s camera pointing in your direction. Also, be prepared to take a few group photos along the way.

 After I snapped this alley along Ann Siang Rd and I walked off, someone else snapped this:

6) You’ll never know what you’re capable of until you do something out of your comfort zone.



Before yesterday, I didn't see myself as a photographer. Now I realize that even the word itself can mean so many things. Sure, I may not be a professional photographer with one of those bulky cameras, but I'm an artist, and the camera is simply another medium for creative expression. And nowadays with so many tools and apps, you can always use a filter on your photos to make them look closer to what your vision was. I ended up actually taking more photos on my Samsung and using Instagram filters to turn them into something really cool.

 By using my Instagram square cropper and a filter, I got this cool sky shot, from the photo below.

7) Keep on trying.

Like all things in life, if at first you don't succeed, or you're absolutely clueless about what to do, or you don't seem to get the results that you want. Just keep on trying. Try something different. Try a new angle of looking at things. Try another method to get the result you want. And if things still don't work, put a pause on them and move on, and come back another time.

Here are more of my favorite photos from this walk:

Self-Discovery and Growth: A prelude to my second solo exhibition.

Paintings in progress for my second solo exhibition, 2014.

A little over a week ago, I decided it was time to have my second solo exhibition. To be honest, I've been putting this off for months out of FEAR - fear that nobody would come to my second solo show or buy my art. You see, there's something you may or may not know about me - I tend to believe in general that I'm not good enough to deserve success or things going well in my life. So I'm worried of finding out that I have no real artistic talent, and that my first solo show was a success only because it was the first and most of my friends/family hadn't expected me to go down the artist's path. In other words, it was simply beginner's luck and I'm simply not meant to be an artist. YIKES! (This is normally where I go and watch TV and escape into lala land...)

I recently posted on Facebook about asking a stranger out for coffee, which is by far my most popular post to date. (Quick update: No follow up, I kinda got busy and forgot about him haha). The thing that gave me that extra push to just go talk to him and ask him out was this:

I asked myself:

How long more do you want to wait before you do what you really want to do? How much time do you think you have left?

And if you don't do this now, then when?

This second solo show is something I eventually have to face anyway, since I've committed to walk the artist's path. And if I don't do it now, how long more do I want to wait? How will everything else I have intended for my artist career in the next 5 years happen if I keep avoiding this one thing?

So armed with my paintbrushes, canvas, imagination, and a whole lot of impulse and guts, I jumped on the opportunity that my friend and life coach Carina presented - to coach me on a 4-week long project that would lead to the creation of this long awaited second solo show. From our first coaching session in at 1a.m. on August 26 (yes, she is a very dedicated coach!), I uncovered what this project is going to be about... "The Adventure of Finding Who I Am".

A few months or maybe even a year ago, another friend and life coach Kunqi posted this on her Facebook wall:

"What if I told you, in order to find out who you are, you have to find out who you are not and try to be a lot of different things including who you are not to find out who you are. And in the process, you'll find that you don't mind being who you are not and it really doesn't matter who you are. Question is, do you know where you wanna go?"

 I copied and pasted it on a virtual sticky note on my Macbook, and it's still there to this day:

So I've spent nearly 3 decades of my life following what I think my parents expect of me, and how I perceive others would want me to behave, etc. Simply because I have a deep fear of rejection, and so I choose to play it safe, to hide in the background, to remain on the fringes instead of really throwing myself into the life I want and embracing all that it has to offer. But how much is there that life has to offer? The only way to know is to jump in and find out. And "in order to find out who you are, you have to find out who you are not and try to be a lot of different things".

If you don't do this now, then when?

I must admit the first week went pretty horribly. You know how when you decide to really go after something, your defenses kick in and you start making all kinds of excuses not to do it? Like when you see a cute stranger and you start imagining what it'd be like to hang out with him, and you think maybe you should go talk to him, but then what if he doesn't like me, what if he already has a girlfriend, what if he thinks I'm crazy... etc. etc. etc. But thanks to my second session with Carina, I managed to sort through these excuses and put them aside. I have twice as much to do in this second week to catch up, but I know I can make it happen. (After all, I've done it before in January 2013 when preparing for my first solo exhibition. I really have no excuse for not being able to pull it off another time...)

So the tree has been appearing in my work lately, even in my current art campaign to make art-buying more accessible to the general public: "100 Artworks below $100". (If you would like to get original art by an emerging artist at insanely affordable prices, join here). The tree is a symbol for growth, for strength and endurance, for something that takes root deeply within oneself, and evolves into something greater. A journey of self-discovery is also a journey of growth. I'm excited to see how this body of work evolves over the next few weeks.

The dates aren't set yet, the venue isn't confirmed, and I don't know how the art is going to turn out, or where I'm going to get the money to fund this next show... and these sure are enough excuses to quit and put this show off again for the next few months. But if I don't do this now, then when?

I invite you now to really take an honest look at your life.

What is one thing that you've always wanted to do, but for whatever reasons, you keep putting it off? How long more do you want to wait?

If you don't do this now, then when?

Your life is waiting. Jump in.

8 steps to light up the world by brightening someone's day.

"Love Sparks" (2014), acrylic and mixed media on canvas, 8 x 8 in.

Let us light up the sky with sparks of love! Let us light up the world with love!

Here is PenguinGirl with 8 ways to brighten up someone's day:

1. Smile :D

 (This is as good a smile as PenguinGirl can muster for now. She's usually looking too confused to smile.)

2. Greet everyone you see.

Greeting people makes them feel noticed and acknowledged and accepted. Although in some places you may just be perceived as weird.

3. Look out for those who need a little random act of kindness.

 Take a break from your phone screen and really look around you once in a while. You'll never know if you could just brighten someone's day with a bit of kindness.

4.  Compliment others.

People like it when things about them are noticed. (PenguinGirl loves to be complimented on her Penguin hat.)

5. Help others see the brighter side of things.

Life can be a drag sometimes and we lose sight of the light in our lives. Be the light in someone else's life so they can find their light again.

6.  Be random with your friends.

Randomly tell them you love them. Make something for them. Hug them out of the blue.

 7. Remember the homeless.

Buy them a hot cup of coffee and a simple meal. Give them your old blankets or coats. You'll never know how a good deed can go a long way and someday come right back to you.

8. Volunteer.

Anything for a good cause! And it's a great way to meet some awesome people too :)

Share this and brighten up someone's day!

For more PenguinGirl, go to www.facebook.com/penguingirl.doodles and LIKE her page!